akemi homura

the true deuteragonist of puella magi madoka magica. she is many things, but one of these many things that she is is that she happens to be my ultimate favorite from the series. well, contended only by madoka herself that is! this spot is dedicated to homura, and here i will lend you my interpretation of her.

section 1: these bitches gay, good for them

i'm sure homura's blatant sapphicism is no surprise to anyone. her whole motive is fueled by an intense, burning, gay-as-hell love for madoka. the flames of hell burn in the shades of the lesbian flag. she also grew up catholic. now, i don't know a lot about catholicism specifically--- i basically was raised by atheist youtube, so i know my way around christian talking points pretty well. i am not sure what the difference is, so forgive my ignorance there. what i am pretty sure of, at least partly because of her catholicism, is that homura is most likely internally homophobic to a degree. she loathes herself--- this is quite apparent. and, really, her self esteem only worsens over the course of the series--- muchly including rebellion. her familiars, the clara dolls, are always tormenting her. we can tell that she has a complicated view on her love for madoka. on one hand, she will never ever give up on loving madoka. on the other hand, she thinks herself a bad person FOR loving madoka. this cycle never ends and she just ends up hating herself. she continues to act on her love, and she continues to regret it. thought still she reveres eternally her goddess madoka. what is a demon, if not a sapphic?

section 2: she is not a bad person

yes, i know, we have heard it all before. "homura did nothing wrong!" or "homura was never a good person." yes, a tale as old as time. well, i want you to remember this: she is a 14 year old girl. we have all been there (well, i currently AM there...) and i hope we know how hard it is to even exist every day as a teenager. before the loops, lets stack 'being an orphan with no meaningful relationship/parental figure' and 'being bedridden and sick forever' on top of that. also, 'being gay in a homophobic society'. DURING the loops, lets add 'watching your closest and only friends die over and over again', 'evasion of consequences due to time travel ability', and some sort of special form of survivor's guilt, if that's the term i'm looking for. she is a little girl who is trying so, so very hard to exist and make her friends happy and let them not die. she is so distant and cold because she is traumatized, we all saw episode 10 didn't we? a group of middle to highschoolers, dying to the gunshots of each other, due to the overwhelming truth. homura tried very hard to warn everyone in a way that wouldn't cause that to happen again--- homura, i assure you, is terrified, in almost every waking moment, of every loop, that something terrible like that will repeat again. and i'm sure it has. and her act in rebellion--- her rewriting of the universe, without madoka's consent--- did madoka not do the same thing, previously? homura was not happy with her sacrifice. does that make madoka a bad person? what is a good person, anyway? somebody who does good deeds? what even is a good deed, or a bad deed? is the worst deed of all, love?

section 3: attachment issues

you stuff a girl full of trauma almost to bursting, 'loving' in a healthy way is going to be very hard, especially in this perilous situation. homura pushes everyone away. it will hurt her less to see them die if she pretends to not care--- she convinces herself that, if it doesn't pertain to madoka, it doesn't matter. homura is a very lonely person. as previously stated, she has probably never felt a meaningful relationship, nor felt kindness. maybe pity. but never compassion. she clings to madoka like a lifeline, and she makes a wish with very important wording. she does not wish for madoka to come back for life. she doesn't wish for her to be healed in a selfless manner. homura wishes TO save her. TO feel important and loved and special for saving her. intrinsically, homura's mission began with a selfish wish made by a girl who had never felt the warmth of friendship before, and desperately tried to claw it back as it was forcefully taken from her. would you have done that, too?

section 4: what it all means to me

i first watched puella magi madoka at quite a young age. i dont know exactly but maybe around 10. at the time, i certainly felt the despair of the characters, but didn't fully understand. there is a point of age where you are just too young to fully wrap your head around complicated messages like the one puella magi madoka magica sends. even now, i am unsure of the message. but i am sure that homura is an integral part of it. i think the message is, that, despite it all, despite the world wanting you to fail, despite all evidence pointing to your efforts being moot, you will find peace. not permanent peace, no. but you will find it one day. for darkness, there first has to be light. you cannot have a bad time without a good time, and the good times will come. i like homura a lot because of her unwavering determination. maybe it is determination spawned from despair; maybe it is determination spawned from love, or from pressure, or what have you, but that doesn't change what it is in the end. i also like her because she's pretty, queer and i'm biased towards characters with glasses. sorry! i'm so very nearsighted! though, homura is part of a sort of 2-in-1 deal. she can't be my favorite without madoka, too. so thanks to both of them.