Humm..i really love the nonhuman nd alterhuman community. I terribly, terribly wish i could participate. I sadly have a mental block in my mind that prohibits me from using social media. Sigh... i am such an interesting creature and make many good things i am sure people would love to hear about, but it just wasnt meant to be i guess.. One of my sorta-goals for this summer was "become active in the community". I severely doubt that id be able to do that. The amount of courage it takes to make even one post.. its really bad for my mental health , yeah i know its a little pathetic. Gem who fears being percieved. Gem who fears rejection. Yeah how am i supposed to win when both getting attention and not getting attention online = shaking in my boots and quivering in fear?

I am very glad i have my site as an outlet, though. It doesnt full itch my desire to connect, but it calms me knowing that, maybe someone out there has read about my 'kinity--- maybe someone out there knows theres still gems on earth, because of me.

I dont know why exactly but i feel such a feeling of loss when i realize how..little gems exist here now. Im grateful im not alone , very grateful. I know there are gems still. Seen them around on tumblr (only the stars knows when im gonna use that site again). But there used to be so many of us...so so many. And in era 3, we all had each other. It was finally time for us to share all of our mutual diamond-caused learned experiences and traumas and not have our culture somewhat stifled by the authority's system. I got to experience so, so little of era 3 before i got..well, here. Maybe only a year or two of era 3. I wish i got to stay a little longer... anyway, just pining i guess. Not for anyone particular, though of course i miss my friends. I just miss my species, my culture.

and everyones resonances..all bouncing off each other to make a mess of unhearable noise. Usually , in the previous eras, only certain combinations of Gems would ever be present together. And usually large congegrations would only be of the same or similar Gemtypes. So there were a few categories of resonance-feels that you would get used to. Its not like that now..not in era 3. Everyone is everywhere all the time and its wonderful. no order to it... no caste.

Steven has a wonderful soul. How one entity could make such a large difference still baffles me. I know why he could: he has humanity. We gems are/were allergic to change. Of course, not all...the Crystal Gems existed. But in general, we upheld the status quo. Human beings aren't like that. they change...constantly. now i am subject to that, too.They change so much they spread that change to the people around them like an infection. It is wonderful in its own way. I am somewhat glad to be so participatory in that now.

oftentimes i fear the future..not in the general life sense. Well, yeah that but i mean in the fictionkin sense. Where will i be in a few years time? I often get really uncertain. I mean, i am ME. if you remove..the Gem from Me, you get a different person entirely. but again..humans are always changing. I'm not human but im in a neuron filled human flesh thing and it does change. So very much. That is to say, maybe one day my identity will change. I would hate it. But eventually i would come to accept it. Not saying that WILL happen...hopefully it won't! but i am no sapphire, I dont claim to be a seer.