i never wanted to be fictionkin in the first place. it is a beautiful thing and i have come to love it, but at the beginning of my first fictionkin-wakening i detested all that came with the burden of being from another world. eventually i settled though. for one of my sources, SU, i had months to stew on its world, my world, and i knew it inside and out. i still do! being a gem is so important to my sense of self. thats why i was so scared when that was challenged. i began reading homestuck and i just knew, by act 5ish, that i was gonna be SOMEONE. and i was right, much to my chagrin. i am one choice vriska serket, not by will but i just knew. and dont get me wrong---i love ME. thats like one of my things. a universal constant so far in my fictionkinity is that im always gonna have a big, ginormous, towering ego. but nontheless i was scared, mostly because i wasnt even done reading the stupid comic by the time i knew. i had been reading for what, barely a week? my future was so uncertain, and as of writing, im still not even done (just a mere 600ish pages to go).

there is nothing more terrifying than seeing your life laid out on pages and not being able to change it. cosmic fuckery. anyway, i would not be so upset if it were not so sudden. i tried to will it away like a dummy (when does trying to will away something like this ever work?), and i felt like such a joke. i mean, i still kind of DO. thank gog my friends are bad at reading and probably wont ever get to see me make my biggest blunders in source. so suddenly i am just MORE, there is just so much MORE to think about... i never wanted to be fictionkin, but once i realized i was, i wanted to stay as one. species, i didnt really mind if i got more of those under my wing---those never affect me much. just simply states of being. i am a koraidon, i am a nimble drake, whatever. i didnt wanna be another guy.

i felt so secure in my identity and woops fuck you, you are a homestuck troll in 2024. i shouldnt be so negative---im just not the kind of person to doom and gloom around like that. i am proud of me, proud to be me, but is it so bad to wish i got more time to think? to "kinfirm" as they call it on tumblr? why must my selfhood be so violently and utterly shaken beneath my feet, throwing me into a fissure of unknowns? do i experience "kinshifts" now even though i previously believed myself to be incapable of such a thing? this new self is a challenge to me. i am questioning many things like that, even including my gender (again). i dont want to experience "kinshifts", i just want to be me. i dont want to be a girl either (but now i think i sort of am). this is probably the most disjointed of my "essays", so sorry about that. i happen to be a very disjointed gem-troll-koraidon-drake at the moment. never get new interests ever lest you become a Guy